Welcome To Hell

“you have the perfect life”

Princess Chaos — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 03:05:03 +0000

my life is far from perfect. you have no idea just how terrible it is.

first of all, i wasn’t exactly wanted. my mom got knocked up at a young age. even though she kept me there was still that moment where she had to CHOSE if she was going to let me live or die.

so you’d think that i should kiss their asses just for that. sorry mom, sorry god. can’t do it.

everyone expects so much out of me. i have to be the ideal child with the good grades and good friends. well, that didn’t happen. i can’t express my own beliefs under my roof. religion is bullshit to me, but i’ll go to hell just for saying that. racist comments bother me but i can’t stand against it. i support gay rights fully but its outright wrong to them and me supporting it is the most mortifying thing in the world, right? fuck that. living a lie just to please my parents.

I WANT TO LEAVE THE FUCKING CIRCUS AND FIND A REAL HOME. I’M TIRED OF ACTING LIKE ANOTHER PERSON. AND WALKING ON EGGSHELLS AROUND THEM.

as for my friends, they expect me to be there every second. i’m human too. i don’t really care to hear about their problems all the time and i don’t think they need to hear me bitch about my “perfect life” all the time either. yeah, i’ve got lots of them but i don’t know how many are real. i’m losing the desire to keep any of them. nothing personal, just being a hermit. or going through a phase.. or something.

so yeah, i’m gonna contradict myself now. my life is better than most people. i admit that my parents do care, they don’t exactly support me but they care. and they give me whatever i want. they’ve spoiled me absolutely rotten. it almost seams unfair.. i don’t think i’ve actually worked for anything in my life. i feel so terrible. i just want to fucking die. i’m a failure. i don’t want everything handed to me! i just don’t understand…

what i need to do is fuck up so badly nothing can save me.. not even myself. i just need to lose everything to see what i have now and learn to love it. i want tragedy in my life.. i want death and pain and disaster. something to wake me the fuck up and show me what the real world is like..

i’m so confused.. about everything… i want so badly to go back to cutting, that actually seemed to keep me in line. but then all these people who seemingly care get pissed.

jc would now… my constant whining and bitching and crying and bullshit and just everything.. i wish i didn’t do this to him. i better mean as much to him as he says i do.. because i hate half living… i want an adventure or something.. just need to get out of this mental state i guess.

and i was such a bitch to him.. all he did was try to help but i pushed him away and so he left me and my thoughts alone and i want so badly to talk to him right now but i just can’t bring myself to do it.. this is ruining everything.. i’m such a fuck up..

the fallen.

Princess Chaos — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 18:11:32 +0000

i fell deeper than i thought i could for him. so far, hes perfect.

and i haven’t even met him.

Hormones.

Princess Chaos — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 22:48:04 +0000

I feel trapped in my emotions. Sitting here lifeless while inside I’m thrashing my insides.

I hate how I feel so needy. I’ve got so many problems that I’ve made for myself.

A) Great boyfriend. But I’m not even making an effort to keep him

B) Missing the old boyfriend, no matter how many times I tell myself I can move one and do better.

C) New boy just got away. Now I want him. I guess this is just karma coming around. I did the same thing to him. Hah touche my dear boy.

I think C is the one bothering me the most. Guilt and general shittiness put together makes me feel like crying my heart out just to get rid of everything.

I really wish I wasn’t so bipolar sometimes. I want something but I don’t, it doesn’t matter but it does, its nothing yet everything. I’m so confused.

And disappointed. I really wanted to meet him.
Way to fucking blow it Taylor. As usual.

Built up and broken down.

Princess Chaos — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 06:04:16 +0000

It seems like everyone I meet turns out to be the opposite of what I expected. And it also seems to be that they get bored with me after they start to grow on me. I wait to get attached to someone and then all of a sudden, I turn into a nobody. Its impossible for me to make NEW friends. Don’t get me wrong, I love the old ones with all my heart.

I want someone to give me an adventure. I guess I had one over winter break and I didn’t want to give it up when it was finally over. It changed me forever. Now I’m wanting more. Craving is a good word for it. I basked in the attention I was receiving and even though I said it was overwhelming I loved it. Actually, I loved the feeling of being noticed. loved. someone.

Now its all gone. No one seems interested. I should be used to being a nothing. I always was. I’ll never become anything else. A lot of beautiful things muddled together to make one ugly mess of a human life.

Yet knowing I’m nothing doesn’t stop me from getting what I want. I’m not going to roll over and beg for attention like some puppy dog. And I’m not going to stand around looking pretty to impress anyone.

The world can go fuck itself. Hes the one that has the problem with me.

drop dead. yuppie scum.

Its been too long since I’ve written.

Princess Chaos — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 01:04:34 +0000

Its been a while since I’ve written out my thoughts on here.

I’m so unhappy being single. I don’t want anyone else. I miss Camden so much.

Even though he acts like he hates me and doesn’t wish to speak to me, it only makes me love him more. I’ll never have him again and I guess I’ll just have to live knowing that. My earlier posts said I wouldn’t get into a relationship and hurt myself. Because I had already been hurt by him before we even started going out. I guess I should have known that he only wanted me sexually. It makes me feel so boring. Its amazing how I’m so close to let him go but a part of me won’t allow it. I hear his voice when I lay in bed at night. Particularly when I’m in that position.. The things I remember him saying tear me up inside.

Say my name.

Is that your hot spot?

I wish that we were older.

I would have never done that with anyone else.

This is my first time falling in love.

I love you Taylor Elizabeth Kaminsky.

I swear I’ll come back to you.

I believed every word. It still amazes me that someone as proud as I am could lose mentality so quickly.

Now I’ve got several boys in line. Some I could never even go for just because another friend cares about them. My friends were the ones who helped me get halfway over him. So I’ll have enough gratitude to not make a move.

I’m always going to miss him. But I think its time I start moving on. Girls are sweet but too clingy. Boys are hot but doushbags. Either way I’m SOL but its worth a shot. I don’t wanna just go for anyone though. I still feel numb to everything when my heart isn’t hurting over him. Hopefully I’ll feel a spark soon.

I’ll never forget how many marks I put on my skin over you.

Or how much happiness you brought me.

Deep down, I still care.
And I’m weak enough to take you back if you ever wanted me again.

Single!!!!!! (:

Princess Chaos — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 18:18:15 +0000

Ya know what, I actually like the idea of being single(:

I mean seriously, I’ll just do what Avery does. Be a little whore and have a bunch of fuckpals!
I’m done with relationships..

I’d kinda like a girl for a while. Boys are so fucking boring.

Hit me up babes <3

Wishing.

Princess Chaos — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 21:14:16 +0000

I miss him so much.. Today will be the third day I haven’t talked to him since everything happened.

I understand this whole teenage depression thing happens and that he’ll get over it but god dammit I’m going insane.

I don’t even know if I’m single or not. I’ve been thinking about him nonstop. I fell asleep last night with a picture of us in my hand. I woke up every two hours because the nightmares were so bad.
I NEVER remember my dreams. All of them were so real though..

I don’t know what to do. I’ve done a few things to get my mind off of it but somewhere in the back of my thoughts hes there.

I keep thinking about what he said.. “I can’t promise you that”

Fuck. So now I have to think about him doing something stupid to hurt himself.

Thinking about if theres anything I could say.. but I just can’t think of anything. I just want him to know how much I’m thinking about him.

Then I gotta think about what if we don’t get back together…

I’ll put that off till it actually happens.

How is it that I’ve gone from mentally stable to falling apart in less than a day?

Maybe I’m bipolar.

I’m sorry for all the expectations… all the stress.. everything that I put on him. I know that it wasn’t just school and people upsetting him.. I know I caused way too much of it..

I long to see him at least one last time. To feel him under my fingertips, to look into those eyes that pierce right through me.. his voice that brings a smile to my face…..

I just wish he could be holding me right now as I cry.

I feel like such shit.. Last night some random guy asked me out on facebook:/

Having all these dumbasses come up to me makes me miss him even more..

Realization.

Princess Chaos — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 20:20:08 +0000

I’ve realized how much I’ve changed in such a short period of time.

I don’t really know what we are right now.. I guess just ourselves. But anywho, Camden was overwhelmed with a bunch of pressure from school, peers, rumors, blah blah blah.

I’m not gonna type out all the advice I had given simply because this entry is gonna be about me.

I am really starting to notice how I don’t give a flying fuck what people thing about me anymore. There are several billion people in the world, chances are one of them is gonna hate me. So if someone has a bad opinion, well then fuck you too.

Also, I’m starting to see just how important friends really are. They are probably the only ones that matter in my life anymore.

Looking in the mirror, I saw myself. Only a part though. I’ve still got a lot of figuring out to do but a faint reflection is forming. I’m actually starting to like me a little. I’m not too bad I guess.

And I like to think that I’m feeling something. I’ve got deep feelings for a few people. Most of the population I could give or take but there are about three people out there who I will never give up on.

Clay. The amazing big brother. Camden. The friend hopefully with benefits. and Rachel. The crazy girl at East Meck who I like to spend all my time with.

My life has been impacted so much recently. I’ve stopped cutting myself, I don’t think about doing drugs anymore, I try to look my best all the time, I try to do above and beyond in school, I’m not going to be anorexic anymore, ect.

I have them to thank for that. Lots of other people too but them specifically.

Those who have influenced me negatively… Well, I don’t hate you. But I would make myself scarce. I’m done being around bad influences.

Thinking about reputations.. we should wear them proudly, no matter what they are. Confidence makes everything better.

Hmm.. now that I’ve reread this.. I’m quite a bold character.
Maybe I should dye my hair purple and get a tattoo. That would fit my personality quite well(:

I think this fits me quite well. I'm determined to amaze the population.

Firsts!

Princess Chaos — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 06:29:13 +0000

So on the last day of the year 2k9, I experienced A HELL OF A LOT!

I let a guy finally get in my pants. Hesitant at first but after a while I figured what the hell.

Also on the last day of 2k9, I touched a guys dick. Didn’t look, only felt.

I’m not even gonna talk about it because I know no one in the world wants to know about it. If they did, then go do it yourself!

Friggin perverts, quit giving me those disappointed looks!

Still, the whole time was like what the fuck am I supposed to do now?

But thats the past,

In the first 30 minutes of 2k10 I was fingered.

Call me a whore if you wish, I won’t blame you. No one would expect the good little girl to have something like that happen to her, especially the fact that she would go so fast.

I don’t really wanna write about this in too much detail because you viewers shouldn’t really care what I do with my boyfriend. But he wants to know how a full body orgasm feels, so I’ll tell him.

Well Camden, to be honest it hurt like a motherfucker.

But you were right about the two second thing. I think the first time I just wasn’t ready, like I mean, idk. But yeah, 2 seconds.

Its an indescribable feeling, it still hurt the whole time but it was good pain, just like the bites (: God, so awkward to even write about. But anyways, pulses, getting pissed that my back kept arching, having an urge to roll on top of you, and whatnot. It was a pretty good feeling.

I didn’t even noticed I was moaning until you told me. Hahah, well now, I’ll just leave things like this. I’m sure I’ve already grossed enough people out to last them a lifetime.

But first, before I publish this mess, I wanna know what it was like for you Camden. I mean really, I’m curious what you thought about it. I was a little too shaky and a bit preoccupied to even think about what was going through your mind while this was happening. If you don’t tell me on the phone then leave a comment(:

Teehee(:

Oh! And by the way……. did you wash your hands?

Anywho, Uhhmm, yeah. Back to reality.

I’m pretty sore right now, oh well.

Random thoughts.

One last thing:

I swear to God, If I have anyone messaging me about how inappropriate this blog is, I’m going to take my middle finger and shove it up your ass. I already warned everyone my blogs have some pretty explicit shit in here.

Thats right, you know what that is! ...... Kidding.

Regret.

Princess Chaos — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 17:09:54 +0000

Well, I could be posting a blog about a lot of regretful things.

Like me being inconsiderate of my best friend whos world is falling apart with a breakup. Or the fact that my boyfriend made me orgasm and I got his reclining chair thinggie all wet :// Well that is just embarrassing, but hopefully you get what I’m saying with the whole orgasm thing.

But what I regret happened just hours ago. I was on the phone with him, my infatuation, obsession, soul mate, whatever other word you’d like to use for someone very important.

I knew exactly what I was thinking, there was a red light washing over me. I immediately thought of blood and how long its been and how a little sting might feel good. Just a little rush oozing out of a little gash that would close up and scar a few days later. But I didn’t. He could hear I was thinking about something from the tone of my voice.

In a way, I’m glad. I wanted someone to notice me. But not in that way. I talked to him how I think about slashing my wrists open every day and how I have no future and that death might just be the best thing for me. At least I was honest,

He started to cry. I didn’t even think about how much my words could hurt him. One of his friends had killed themselves a few years ago. I promised I wouldn’t do that but he said to me “thats what she told me but then look what happened to her”.

I think that mental pain is much, much worse than physical. I feel such hatred toward myself. To be honest, I feel like curling up so much that I implode. The nonexistent pain I felt last night was obliterated by his pain.

I have absolutely no reason to hurt myself. I have the most amazing boyfriend in the entire world who I want to spend the rest of my life with, a best friend who will always be there for me, a really shitty family who gives me whatever I want, and materialistic things that could make anyone happy.

So why the fuck did I even think about it? Because, I’m addicted. I was warned but I didn’t listen. Some part of my mind is not working right to think that I need to feel pain. I guess, it just makes me feel real.
Like the lyrics from the Goo Goo Doll’s song Iris

“Yeah, you bleed just to know you’re alive”

Hearing him in such agony is the most awful feeling I’ve ever experienced.

I guess I really do love him, I forgot about myself for one second of my God forsaken life and thought of him.

I don’t know how I fell asleep last night feeling such guilt.

Actually, yes I do. With a wet pillow and black running down my cheeks.

And now, he hasn’t said anything to me. Perhaps he will today, maybe he won’t. I don’t know.
But I’m going mentally insane. He is the most important thing in the world to me.

I guess I can learn something from all this. I’ve always felt encouraged about cutting. No ones ever really expressed themselves like that about my affliction. They’ve always looked at me and asked me to stop.. or even slapped me in the face and yelled at me not to do it.

But this time, he cried. He didn’t ask me not to. He just cried.

I don’t know what about it, but its impacted me so much. Maybe since its coming from him but I know for a fact that I can never ever, ever, hurt myself again.

For his sake. I really don’t care about anything else anymore. My heart doesn’t belong to me any longer. If he wants something, I’ll give it to him. Even if I have to go to the depths of hell and back to get it.

A promise that will never be broken:

I will NEVER intentionally hurt myself again. I will not think about taking the easy way out. And I will never encourage this again like I have in the past.

Hes right, once you have experienced death you realized that the emo stuff is not cool. I have experienced death before, several family members and whatnot.. but I never felt it.

I just thought about the thought of how my life would be without my best friend. Alone. Tears. Screaming. Feeling trapped. I can’t bear to think about it.

Even though I feel hollow and like a monster thats only purpose is to eat everyone’s heart out, I guess I should thank you, Camden.

I wasn’t thinking clearly. Now the only thing that I am thinking about is you, I can’t stand to ever see or hear you hurt. I know I’m a handful, not much of a prize. But hopefully, you know that I would do anything in the world for you.

I love you.

And I won’t die.